Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Final Entry

I've decided to make this my final entry (and will most likely delete this whole blog soon), as I am pretty much past the point of focusing too much on my infertility journey and identity, and ready for a new identity and path in life.  Do I know what that is?  Hell no.  But I know I am ready to live life without children.  Is it sad?  Hell yes.  That will never go away, but I have to move on.  Now that my husband is showing signs of moving on, it has become a whole lot better to accept my fate. 

We attended our niece's 2nd birthday party this past weekend.  We watched my husband's brother be stressed out as usual.  He was a little better, but still, it showed.  I know that if we had kids my husband would be the same way.  He claims he is more patient than his brother, but they both have an issue with getting wound up when things don't go according to this perfect vision in their head. 

I feel like during that party, my mother-in-law kept talking about how wonderful my dog is to everyone to over-compensate for the fact that we were the only couple there without children.  There was my sister-in-law's brother's new baby, and then my brother-in-law's kids, so we were the only couple without a child.  I don't want to get caught up in being one of those annoying people who talk about my animals.  Yes, my animals are a big part of my life, but I don't's just not how I want to be viewed.  I don't call my animals fur-babies or anything like that.  I only put a sweater or coat on my dog when it's like 10 degrees or less out...for a somewhat legit reason, not for fashion. 

On the way home from the party, my husband stated (something to the effect of), "I know this may sound bad, but since we are not having kids, I have a feeling it could really be a lot of stress and I don't know if I want that.  I mean, I know I could handle it, but I don't know that I want to go through all that at this stage in my life."  It confirmed in my mind that, alas, he does have some insight about this whole being wound too tight thing that runs in his family, or "gripping the bat too tight" as he likes to phrase it.  It was like a Hallelujah of some sort confirming yet another reason why it maybe wasn't best for us to have a kid after all. 

I responded that he gets annoyed by our cat and dog, and that to me shows how he might be with kids.  I did it in a gentle way so as not to offend.  He said he used to not be that way with animals, but he is now.  So it was a good dialogue and I really have started to accept that I will just be the best aunt ever.  So be it. 


Thursday, December 28, 2017


This isn't a big deal, but yet it is.  Here I am feeling like I can finally move on with my life.  That we are finally on the same page together, and my husband just has to throw a wrench in it.  A small wrench, but to me, it is big, and I was crying on my way home from work yesterday because of it. 

Yesterday, out of the blue my husband texts..."when are we supposed to try to make a baby this month?"  My heart sank.  Well, as it turns out, I did initiate it once, via text, two weeks ago.  He was in a bad mood at work and I told him that he would get lucky that night after my pilates class.  He said awesome.  So that time comes and goes and I don't say anything after pilates because frankly, I didn't care.  I figured he knew what I meant when I told him this, as this is the only time we have sex these days.  Then he started getting a cold, so I never bothered to initiate/make a point to tell him it was time to TTC.

So, I was very disturbed and heartbroken when he texted me that yesterday.  I thought he had started to move on with me.  We have been making all of these travel plans, etc. and I am so far from wanting a child at this point, because it's a lost cause... not because it wouldn't be the greatest news ever, I just can't allow my heart to be disappointed for yet one more month.

I was leaving for work when he texted this, so I simply told him our time past when he was sick.  So then he suggested we have another month to make it up.  Well guess what, I don't want another month.  I know it's just one more month, but this is pretty much torture for me at this point.  I don't want anything to do with trying to make a baby ever again.  I am so fucking over this it's not funny. 

One could argue that it's just one more month, a month that we missed.  Well, I agreed to TTC until the end of this year, and I meant it.  I'm sorry if we missed it.  I'm done.  I managed to avoid responding to him, and I'm not bringing it up.  It's the principle of it this time.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Welcome to the Dark Side, Darling.

In the spirit of Star Wars, which I grew up watching, quoting, reenacting as a child, I have stolen the phrase to mean something quite different, but explains a lot regardless.  My husband has remained the positive one for the most part in this infertility life of over 3+ years, and I feel in many ways I had to suffer alone, internally, or through this blog.  I had to keep my negative feelings, my sad feelings, etc. all to myself so I didn't rain on his parade. 

In the past month or so, I've seen signs of him coming to terms with our childlessness.  He's made a few comments here and there that he's mentally given up the hope.  One of those comments came this past weekend.  We put up a tree this year, even though we were just going to do a small, table-top tree.  We looked at those, but they were just as expensive as a full size tree.  We got a smaller than average size tree, but definitely bigger than table-top.  We decorated it with all new ornaments and lights.  We only used a couple of key ornaments that we like, but for the most part, it was all red and silver themed.  It felt new and different, and that's what I wanted.  I didn't even look at the ornaments I had planned to hand down to my child/children.

Anyway, the next day my husband went out with his friend, and while he was gone I had decided to go ahead and wrap a bunch of gifts and put them under the tree.  My husband got home and saw all of the wrapped gifts and said "look at all of those gifts for kids we don't even have".  It didn't make a ton of sense, as the gifts were for our family members, as well as niece and nephew.  But I know what he meant.  I knew that he had now joined me on the dark side.  I have made those comments to myself in my head plenty of times during our infertility struggle, but never was able to say them aloud.  I think I may be able to say them out loud now (some of them, anyway). 

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Note to Self

I don't know why I posted this "note to self" 8 years ago today, but it popped up on my Facebook page and I think it is quite significant and relevant to what I've been going through with infertility.

Note to Self: there is no such thing as a sure thing

That is what popped up today when I logged on.  There is no such thing as a sure thing, that is for damn sure.  This month is the final month of TTC for us, and I have yet to bring myself to tell my husband that we are in the fertile window.  I think I have to today, or it won't even be partially true. 

I am at the point where I don't want to get pregnant.  I don't want to go through one more two week wait, I just fucking don't.  I'm in too deep into the camp of "not having kids" that I can't be sure that I'd be excited if I did get pregnant.  I know that probably would absolutely stun my self of one year ago, but I've done a lot of emotional work in this past year and I've made a lot of progress.  I've convinced myself of every positive there is to not having kids and I've reinforced the negatives that I don't ever want to have to experience.  I know that I've done this because I'm forced to, as a defense mechanism, and not because I want to think this way.  How else would one cope with something that is so much out of their control but to try to find every fucking silver lining they could possibly imagine just to keep themselves sane?  The only other option to me would be to remain in misery and despair, becoming bitter and miserable.  I know that it will continue to be a deep wound in my soul, quite possibly until the day I die, but I need to move on and finally feel like I'm living life, not just getting by. 

I've had a lot of distraction lately which is helpful.  Things at work are not even dying down for the holidays like I expected, so I'm pretty busy.  We are also planning multiple trips right now which is giving me plenty to look forward to.  There's also a financial aspect that is sort of weighing on me, keeping me from wanting to care about having kids.  I've allowed myself to put stuff on my credit card which I shouldn't have.  I have prided myself on turning my life around financially, and I now get anxiety if I know there is money I owe.  I now use credit cards - that is to say IF I use a credit card - I pay them off that same month, often before my bill is even due, so that I don't incur any interest.  But lately I've gotten out of hand and I don't know that I could pay enough to get it down to zero in just one month.  Now let me assure you that this is NOTHING compared to my old habits, and just this little bit of credit abuse is causing me anxiety, so I know I have to put a stop to it.  It's nothing I can't handle financially, it's just that it's causing me more harm emotionally, so I know I need to stop. 

I don't know where I'm going at this point, but I do know I have a wonderful, supportive husband to go along with me for this ride.  I hope it is a pleasant surprise.

Friday, December 1, 2017


I am very saddened by the loss of a co-worker.  We worked together for 6 years.  He was about 20 years older and was my work spouse, my uncle, my big brother, and most of all friend.  We got along great.  We knew tons of stuff about each other's lives.  Occasionally we would butt heads but it was never serious, he just sometimes got way too opinionated for my liking.  He had lots of sayings like, "peachy keen, jelly bean".  He loved the fact that I called myself the "patsy" of the department, meaning that stuff was always being dumped on me.  One time he told me that he heard a Patsy Cline song and started cracking up thinking about me being the patsy.  He would often chime in with the "Crazy" lyrics for extra added effect when I would tell him another example of how I was yet again the "patsy".

He just got elected to his community's school board.  He was only a few years away from retiring.  His kids were/are doing well in college.  His daughter had some struggles this first semester of school, and she reminds me a lot of me and my issues when I was her age.  I gave him insight into why she was doing certain things when he was frustrated and felt like he couldn't help her, because I did the same things when I was her age.  Even though this past year I am in a different department, he still confided in me that he wanted to leave our company and was sick of some of the changes within that department.  I was here for him to vent about it when he needed.

He died unexpectedly.  He was recovering from a knee surgery that he had last week and was reportedly doing well, and then his wife found him dead at home yesterday.  I keep thinking about him and about all that he did for his community and family.  He was Catholic and taught religion classes, he was elected for school board, and he was an all around great father who often joked about how he "hates people".  He loved going to baseball games and hockey games and of course watching his kids play sports. 

From his death I am realizing how much I have not done in my life, and I kept waiting to have kids to become a part of a community.  I realize that I can't rely on me having a kid to somehow find my niche in my community.  I always think about how I could do this or that, that I have all of this time on my hands, but I never put it into action.  I hope that when I'm Rob's age, that I will be much more involved in things that I'm passionate about.  Somehow I need to figure out how to start putting these thoughts into action. 

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

The Final Days of Limbo

So now that December is almost here, I am left with a small amount of limbo still lingering about.  It is much more bearable knowing that the end is near, but it really does have a way to creep inside my mind, some days more so than others.  Today on the way into work was one of those days.  I don't even have exact words as to what I was thinking about, just a feeling that the way that I was living will soon end.  What does that mean, exactly?  Well, it means that I have been living with the thought that one day I would be a parent, it was just a matter of when.  My identity has always been labeled as "Future Parent" or possessing the potential to become a mother, of experiencing childbirth for myself, of experiencing the "firsts" in my child's life, of all of the hopes and fears that one takes on when becoming completely responsible for a child.  After the New Year I will be living as a person who will never be a parent and quite frankly I don't know what the means for me.  My whole identity will be changed.  This may be a dramatic statement, but to it me it's sort of the B.C. and A.D of my life, of my life's timeline.  Funny that I would use that as analogy since it is the actual marking of one man's birth as a significant point in time, in all of mandkind's history. 

We did give it a decent go this cycle with TTC and I'm in my second to last two week wait.  This is why I am still in limbo.  I am trying to take my prenatal vitamin (I think they help me from getting very sick when I get colds anyway, so I'll take them as long as I have them - and remember them).  I still pick on tiny little things my body does and thinks that maybe it's a sign of pregnancy, even though at this point I'm completely delusional. 

I also just cleaned out some drawers in my bedroom and discovered two used pregnancy tests that I've been hiding until the right moment to dispose of them deep within the garbage can, after wrapping them in paper towels and grocery bags first.  See, my husband and I always had a deal that we would test together if I thought I was pregnant.  I literally never had any signs that I was pregnant, but I did have plenty of insane, impatient times throughout the past 3+ years where I felt compelled to test based on nothing other than sheer desperation.  So I did do it maybe a handful of times in secret.  I decided I would just retest with him again and act like I didn't know.  I'm not a deceitful person and I have difficulty with lying in general, but that was one thing I was willing to do to allay my own insane emotions.

I am currently in discussions with my brother and his wife to go to New Orleans soon...either over Easter or in June.  In the back of my mind I say "watch me get pregnant now that I'm planning a mildly debaucherous trip to New Orleans".  The reality is, I'm sure I won't get pregnant, but until we stop trying for good, there will always be that tiny spot in the back of my mind and heart that thinks it might happen. 

I will say that my husband made a statement recently that made me feel reassured in where he is at with all of this.  He has been consoling a female friend he works with (trust me, there are not trust issues between us, and also the girl is ugly anyway) who is married and thinking of leaving her controlling, asshole husband.  He told her how we are going through a lot with not having a child and that this might tear some people apart but we are strong and are handling it together.  When he told me what he had said to her I then knew that we were going to be all right as a couple (with some time for grieving, of course). 

On a positive note, we did schedule a road trip to stay in a beautiful old mansion for New Years, so we are both looking forward to that.  I also decided to change many aspects of my Christmas decorating, including when I decorate, how much I decorate, etc.  I will be simplifying much about all of it.  I am not using my family ornaments that I hoped to one day pass down to my children.  We are doing a small live tree with sort of a decorator's look, rather than my hodge-podge of homemade and varied ornaments.  I guess I'm changing the look along with my new, impending change of identity.  Maybe that's why I dyed my hair, too? 

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

On Feeling Old

I turned 42 very recently and I have to say that I do feel old.  Not ancient, but old.

For a while now I have thought of this age as being the cut off point for TTC given that we said we'd be done trying for good next month.  I am actually in a good place overall, in part because my husband is showing more acceptance about our fate.  We are giving it our best TTC effort these last two months of 2017, but I don't expect any different outcome so it has been less of a chore and more about just having fun.  (Although I think some of the sexual rut issues of TTC will need to be addressed for sure...stale is a good description at this point.)

What other ways do I feel old, you ask?  Well, let's see.  I recently decided to forego the blonde highlights because the grays are becoming much more prevalent.  I went with an all-over color and it's darker brown and has a reddish tint.  I didn't want plain brown, so boy did I get my wish.  I'm not sure if I like it or not, but my husband loves it and says it's his most favorite hair color to date on me.  I get some compliments at work but then others remain silent, and I feel like their silence equals that they think it's ugly.  But maybe they didn't notice, right?  The hair color feels slightly teenager-ish, and I don't know how I feel about that.  It's not a natural red, but more of a cool red.  I think I was hoping for a more copper type color, but's it's much cooler and I can't help but think of all of the unnatural hair colors that teens wear these days.  I feel too old to do these types of colors.

Another way I feel old is that I just broke a tooth for the first time.  Actually, it must have been broken for a while but didn't come out until I was eating a luxurious piece of chewy Panera bread.  So I had to have that filled today.  I associate broken teeth with my aging parents, not something a young person would experience.  I've only had fillings, never root canals or anything, and I fear that kind of stuff more so than ever before. 

This past weekend we took our niece and nephew on our first outing in public with them.  Granted my husband's mom met up with us, which I'm glad she did.  I think my husband learned that you can't plan too much with kids.  If he gets a plan in his head for the day, he gets upset if it doesn't quite go as he imagined, so at one point when we thought we weren't going to survive our lunch at the local sit-down family restaurant I thought he was going to flip out.  But he got himself together nicely.  I've never had to change a diaper out in a public restroom, so that was a first for me (and I consider it a success that I had to change not one poopy diaper).  The kids really were well-behaved overall, and there were no meltdowns, so I consider it a success.  But we took them at one point to a play area in the mall and I was so anxious and thought, wow, maybe I'm better off not being a mom.  So many kids running around, bumping into each's a nightmare!  I was glad when it was over...I just felt slightly on edge like I was trapped a little.  lol.  I can't explain that, but it's true.  I'm sure it's different when it's your own kid, but I didn't like that feeling.  I love kids, I really do, but at this age, I feel old, too old to deal with some of this stuff!!