Thursday, June 28, 2018

Not Quite 6 Months Update

I've been a little emotional lately for no reason, but thought about this blog recently when watching some show in which people had a baby.  I figured I would pop in here and update on how things are going.  I think it was definitely healthy of me to stop posting in this blog.  I have focused less and less on the sadness of my infertility and have been just working on being a family of two.  Perhaps that means that we've gone into a little debt due to decorating the home, plus two vacations (one planned, one less planned), but we are done spending and will pay it off now.

We recently went on a family vacation with my husband's family, and quite frankly, was glad we weren't dragging kids along for the mere fact of watching how stressed out my brother-in-law and sister-in-law were.  Plus, we got to venture out and do more just the two of us.  However, had we had kids, we definitely wouldn't have chosen that particular vacation for a family vacation in the first place.  We can be critical of what they are doing "wrong", but in the end, they get the joy of having kids and we don't.  Even my mother-in-law was annoyed with some of their decisions. 

Anyway, I asked my husband if he cared whether I went on birth control (for the mere fact that I think it might help reduce the back pain intensity for the whole week leading up to my period).  He said he needed to think about it.  I mean, we both agree that it's over for us as far as having kids, but I wanted to make sure that any decision like that is a shared, agreed upon decision.  I also understand that he needs time to think on it...it's purely psychological at this point.  By him agreeing it is putting the final nail in the coffin, so I get it.  I think going on that vacation probably reinforced his "ok-ness" about not having kids, but obviously it's still a forced decision in the end.

I've thought a lot lately about my career.  I know that I'm doing a good job and make decent money for someone in my field, but I have some sort of longing to do something else, but I have no idea what.  Honestly, part of it is just not wanting to work in the city anymore and deal with the commute and the bullshit.  I fantasize about having a job where I can drive like 20 minutes or less to and park right outside the building and not have to pay.  Fourteen years of working downtown has sucked some life out of me.

I think about going back to school for something, whether it's a PhD or any degree, and I immediately talk myself out of it.  For one thing, if I were to get my PhD they require me to not work (at least at this local, prestigious school that I would try to get into).  I don't want to rock the boat financially, so to make some sort of decision to go into more debt is one that I cannot and will not take lightly.  I also think about the idea of research and it turns me off completely.

I of course think that I have a masters and dammit why the hell should I need to go back to school?  Other times I think I always loved school, but then again, I did not have as much financial responsibility back when I went to school.  It would be very different now.  My husband doesn't make enough to support both of us.  I sometimes think I may go to a life coach to talk about my goals in life now that I don't have kids, and other times I think I should stick with what I'm doing because I do know it so well.  I think about moving up in this company and I don't want the responsibility.  But that seems to be a major theme in my life I think, at least career-wise. 

I still have no friends, don't do much socially, but I'm getting used to it.  I actually don't want the obligation of having to make arrangements to meet up with people.  I see a couple friends a couple times a year because we work downtown and we meet up downtown for lunch.  Other than that, not much contact.  When I see my friends post about their social outings online I think it looks exhausting.  How old and pathetic do I sound?

Anyway, long rambling short, I am doing ok, with intermittent times of sadness, but for the most part am moving on.  Could my life be better in ways?  Yes.  Could I do more about that?  Yes.  But I guess I'm afraid, lazy, comfortable, etc.  It is what it is.  For now.


Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Final Entry

I've decided to make this my final entry (and will most likely delete this whole blog soon), as I am pretty much past the point of focusing too much on my infertility journey and identity, and ready for a new identity and path in life.  Do I know what that is?  Hell no.  But I know I am ready to live life without children.  Is it sad?  Hell yes.  That will never go away, but I have to move on.  Now that my husband is showing signs of moving on, it has become a whole lot better to accept my fate. 

We attended our niece's 2nd birthday party this past weekend.  We watched my husband's brother be stressed out as usual.  He was a little better, but still, it showed.  I know that if we had kids my husband would be the same way.  He claims he is more patient than his brother, but they both have an issue with getting wound up when things don't go according to this perfect vision in their head. 

I feel like during that party, my mother-in-law kept talking about how wonderful my dog is to everyone to over-compensate for the fact that we were the only couple there without children.  There was my sister-in-law's brother's new baby, and then my brother-in-law's kids, so we were the only couple without a child.  I don't want to get caught up in being one of those annoying people who talk about my animals.  Yes, my animals are a big part of my life, but I don't know...it's just not how I want to be viewed.  I don't call my animals fur-babies or anything like that.  I only put a sweater or coat on my dog when it's like 10 degrees or less out...for a somewhat legit reason, not for fashion. 

On the way home from the party, my husband stated (something to the effect of), "I know this may sound bad, but since we are not having kids, I have a feeling it could really be a lot of stress and I don't know if I want that.  I mean, I know I could handle it, but I don't know that I want to go through all that at this stage in my life."  It confirmed in my mind that, alas, he does have some insight about this whole being wound too tight thing that runs in his family, or "gripping the bat too tight" as he likes to phrase it.  It was like a Hallelujah of some sort confirming yet another reason why it maybe wasn't best for us to have a kid after all. 

I responded that he gets annoyed by our cat and dog, and that to me shows how he might be with kids.  I did it in a gentle way so as not to offend.  He said he used to not be that way with animals, but he is now.  So it was a good dialogue and I really have started to accept that I will just be the best aunt ever.  So be it. 

 

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Annoyed

This isn't a big deal, but yet it is.  Here I am feeling like I can finally move on with my life.  That we are finally on the same page together, and my husband just has to throw a wrench in it.  A small wrench, but to me, it is big, and I was crying on my way home from work yesterday because of it. 

Yesterday, out of the blue my husband texts..."when are we supposed to try to make a baby this month?"  My heart sank.  Well, as it turns out, I did initiate it once, via text, two weeks ago.  He was in a bad mood at work and I told him that he would get lucky that night after my pilates class.  He said awesome.  So that time comes and goes and I don't say anything after pilates because frankly, I didn't care.  I figured he knew what I meant when I told him this, as this is the only time we have sex these days.  Then he started getting a cold, so I never bothered to initiate/make a point to tell him it was time to TTC.

So, I was very disturbed and heartbroken when he texted me that yesterday.  I thought he had started to move on with me.  We have been making all of these travel plans, etc. and I am so far from wanting a child at this point, because it's a lost cause... not because it wouldn't be the greatest news ever, I just can't allow my heart to be disappointed for yet one more month.

I was leaving for work when he texted this, so I simply told him our time past when he was sick.  So then he suggested we have another month to make it up.  Well guess what, I don't want another month.  I know it's just one more month, but this is pretty much torture for me at this point.  I don't want anything to do with trying to make a baby ever again.  I am so fucking over this it's not funny. 

One could argue that it's just one more month, a month that we missed.  Well, I agreed to TTC until the end of this year, and I meant it.  I'm sorry if we missed it.  I'm done.  I managed to avoid responding to him, and I'm not bringing it up.  It's the principle of it this time.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Welcome to the Dark Side, Darling.

In the spirit of Star Wars, which I grew up watching, quoting, reenacting as a child, I have stolen the phrase to mean something quite different, but explains a lot regardless.  My husband has remained the positive one for the most part in this infertility life of over 3+ years, and I feel in many ways I had to suffer alone, internally, or through this blog.  I had to keep my negative feelings, my sad feelings, etc. all to myself so I didn't rain on his parade. 

In the past month or so, I've seen signs of him coming to terms with our childlessness.  He's made a few comments here and there that he's mentally given up the hope.  One of those comments came this past weekend.  We put up a tree this year, even though we were just going to do a small, table-top tree.  We looked at those, but they were just as expensive as a full size tree.  We got a smaller than average size tree, but definitely bigger than table-top.  We decorated it with all new ornaments and lights.  We only used a couple of key ornaments that we like, but for the most part, it was all red and silver themed.  It felt new and different, and that's what I wanted.  I didn't even look at the ornaments I had planned to hand down to my child/children.

Anyway, the next day my husband went out with his friend, and while he was gone I had decided to go ahead and wrap a bunch of gifts and put them under the tree.  My husband got home and saw all of the wrapped gifts and said "look at all of those gifts for kids we don't even have".  It didn't make a ton of sense, as the gifts were for our family members, as well as niece and nephew.  But I know what he meant.  I knew that he had now joined me on the dark side.  I have made those comments to myself in my head plenty of times during our infertility struggle, but never was able to say them aloud.  I think I may be able to say them out loud now (some of them, anyway). 



Thursday, December 14, 2017

Note to Self

I don't know why I posted this "note to self" 8 years ago today, but it popped up on my Facebook page and I think it is quite significant and relevant to what I've been going through with infertility.

Note to Self: there is no such thing as a sure thing

That is what popped up today when I logged on.  There is no such thing as a sure thing, that is for damn sure.  This month is the final month of TTC for us, and I have yet to bring myself to tell my husband that we are in the fertile window.  I think I have to today, or it won't even be partially true. 

I am at the point where I don't want to get pregnant.  I don't want to go through one more two week wait, I just fucking don't.  I'm in too deep into the camp of "not having kids" that I can't be sure that I'd be excited if I did get pregnant.  I know that probably would absolutely stun my self of one year ago, but I've done a lot of emotional work in this past year and I've made a lot of progress.  I've convinced myself of every positive there is to not having kids and I've reinforced the negatives that I don't ever want to have to experience.  I know that I've done this because I'm forced to, as a defense mechanism, and not because I want to think this way.  How else would one cope with something that is so much out of their control but to try to find every fucking silver lining they could possibly imagine just to keep themselves sane?  The only other option to me would be to remain in misery and despair, becoming bitter and miserable.  I know that it will continue to be a deep wound in my soul, quite possibly until the day I die, but I need to move on and finally feel like I'm living life, not just getting by. 

I've had a lot of distraction lately which is helpful.  Things at work are not even dying down for the holidays like I expected, so I'm pretty busy.  We are also planning multiple trips right now which is giving me plenty to look forward to.  There's also a financial aspect that is sort of weighing on me, keeping me from wanting to care about having kids.  I've allowed myself to put stuff on my credit card which I shouldn't have.  I have prided myself on turning my life around financially, and I now get anxiety if I know there is money I owe.  I now use credit cards - that is to say IF I use a credit card - I pay them off that same month, often before my bill is even due, so that I don't incur any interest.  But lately I've gotten out of hand and I don't know that I could pay enough to get it down to zero in just one month.  Now let me assure you that this is NOTHING compared to my old habits, and just this little bit of credit abuse is causing me anxiety, so I know I have to put a stop to it.  It's nothing I can't handle financially, it's just that it's causing me more harm emotionally, so I know I need to stop. 

I don't know where I'm going at this point, but I do know I have a wonderful, supportive husband to go along with me for this ride.  I hope it is a pleasant surprise.

Friday, December 1, 2017

Loss

I am very saddened by the loss of a co-worker.  We worked together for 6 years.  He was about 20 years older and was my work spouse, my uncle, my big brother, and most of all friend.  We got along great.  We knew tons of stuff about each other's lives.  Occasionally we would butt heads but it was never serious, he just sometimes got way too opinionated for my liking.  He had lots of sayings like, "peachy keen, jelly bean".  He loved the fact that I called myself the "patsy" of the department, meaning that stuff was always being dumped on me.  One time he told me that he heard a Patsy Cline song and started cracking up thinking about me being the patsy.  He would often chime in with the "Crazy" lyrics for extra added effect when I would tell him another example of how I was yet again the "patsy".

He just got elected to his community's school board.  He was only a few years away from retiring.  His kids were/are doing well in college.  His daughter had some struggles this first semester of school, and she reminds me a lot of me and my issues when I was her age.  I gave him insight into why she was doing certain things when he was frustrated and felt like he couldn't help her, because I did the same things when I was her age.  Even though this past year I am in a different department, he still confided in me that he wanted to leave our company and was sick of some of the changes within that department.  I was here for him to vent about it when he needed.

He died unexpectedly.  He was recovering from a knee surgery that he had last week and was reportedly doing well, and then his wife found him dead at home yesterday.  I keep thinking about him and about all that he did for his community and family.  He was Catholic and taught religion classes, he was elected for school board, and he was an all around great father who often joked about how he "hates people".  He loved going to baseball games and hockey games and of course watching his kids play sports. 

From his death I am realizing how much I have not done in my life, and I kept waiting to have kids to become a part of a community.  I realize that I can't rely on me having a kid to somehow find my niche in my community.  I always think about how I could do this or that, that I have all of this time on my hands, but I never put it into action.  I hope that when I'm Rob's age, that I will be much more involved in things that I'm passionate about.  Somehow I need to figure out how to start putting these thoughts into action. 

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

The Final Days of Limbo

So now that December is almost here, I am left with a small amount of limbo still lingering about.  It is much more bearable knowing that the end is near, but it really does have a way to creep inside my mind, some days more so than others.  Today on the way into work was one of those days.  I don't even have exact words as to what I was thinking about, just a feeling that the way that I was living will soon end.  What does that mean, exactly?  Well, it means that I have been living with the thought that one day I would be a parent, it was just a matter of when.  My identity has always been labeled as "Future Parent" or possessing the potential to become a mother, of experiencing childbirth for myself, of experiencing the "firsts" in my child's life, of all of the hopes and fears that one takes on when becoming completely responsible for a child.  After the New Year I will be living as a person who will never be a parent and quite frankly I don't know what the means for me.  My whole identity will be changed.  This may be a dramatic statement, but to it me it's sort of the B.C. and A.D of my life, of my life's timeline.  Funny that I would use that as analogy since it is the actual marking of one man's birth as a significant point in time, in all of mandkind's history. 

We did give it a decent go this cycle with TTC and I'm in my second to last two week wait.  This is why I am still in limbo.  I am trying to take my prenatal vitamin (I think they help me from getting very sick when I get colds anyway, so I'll take them as long as I have them - and remember them).  I still pick on tiny little things my body does and thinks that maybe it's a sign of pregnancy, even though at this point I'm completely delusional. 

I also just cleaned out some drawers in my bedroom and discovered two used pregnancy tests that I've been hiding until the right moment to dispose of them deep within the garbage can, after wrapping them in paper towels and grocery bags first.  See, my husband and I always had a deal that we would test together if I thought I was pregnant.  I literally never had any signs that I was pregnant, but I did have plenty of insane, impatient times throughout the past 3+ years where I felt compelled to test based on nothing other than sheer desperation.  So I did do it maybe a handful of times in secret.  I decided I would just retest with him again and act like I didn't know.  I'm not a deceitful person and I have difficulty with lying in general, but that was one thing I was willing to do to allay my own insane emotions.

I am currently in discussions with my brother and his wife to go to New Orleans soon...either over Easter or in June.  In the back of my mind I say "watch me get pregnant now that I'm planning a mildly debaucherous trip to New Orleans".  The reality is, I'm sure I won't get pregnant, but until we stop trying for good, there will always be that tiny spot in the back of my mind and heart that thinks it might happen. 

I will say that my husband made a statement recently that made me feel reassured in where he is at with all of this.  He has been consoling a female friend he works with (trust me, there are not trust issues between us, and also the girl is ugly anyway) who is married and thinking of leaving her controlling, asshole husband.  He told her how we are going through a lot with not having a child and that this might tear some people apart but we are strong and are handling it together.  When he told me what he had said to her I then knew that we were going to be all right as a couple (with some time for grieving, of course). 

On a positive note, we did schedule a road trip to stay in a beautiful old mansion for New Years, so we are both looking forward to that.  I also decided to change many aspects of my Christmas decorating, including when I decorate, how much I decorate, etc.  I will be simplifying much about all of it.  I am not using my family ornaments that I hoped to one day pass down to my children.  We are doing a small live tree with sort of a decorator's look, rather than my hodge-podge of homemade and varied ornaments.  I guess I'm changing the look along with my new, impending change of identity.  Maybe that's why I dyed my hair, too?